I think I became a mother all over again today. Amidst a temporarily out-of-order dishwasher, a half done job of back to school organizing and school supply gathering and piles of laundry, the irresistable urge to display our photos came over me. I filled long empty picture frames, freshened knick-knacks, hung things on walls and got back to the project of finding new photos for our collage frames. The whole place looks new with less changes than ya might think, and I had a blast.

I think I’ve looked through the last two years of our photos several times now, just today. What I saw blew me away. My children are beautiful! No seriously… beautiful. And as I went through the pictures, I also saw their subtle then not-so-subtle transformation from backwoods kids to Louisiana suburb kids and finally now to good Ontario-nians. (Don’t ask me if that’s a word.)

Part of what I saw shocked me. Their eager trust and undying love is both reassuring and then a sober reminder of all that I as a parent hold in my hands. I owe them so much. I feel now today like I especially owe them. And after all of the uproar and unsettledness of the past few years, I want to pay them back a hundredfold. To make up for all the untaken photographs and half-celebrated holidays, missed vacations and weary parents.

Life really feels like it has begun anew today. I am endlessly happy.

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Recently, Kate over at Heart speaks to Heart wrote out her thoughts on guilt. I very strongly identify with them and in the process of commenting on her wonderful post ended up writing a post of my own. Before you read the following response, go over and visit Kate.

What excellent friends – indeed Kate, you are not alone. I’m SO glad that you posted this actually. I’ve had half of a guilt post bouncing around in my brain for so long now. I feel just like you do.

Up until last week, I didn’t really have an answer just more questions. Like why does “good guilt” seem to automatically go along with being a “good Catholic”? I want my faith free, to fly, to do, to live. But it just isn’t.

I did find a small piece of an answer in a book I read recently about mothers.

“Guilt keeps mothers narrowly focused on the question ‘What’s wrong with me?’ and prevents us from becoming effective agents of personal and social change.”

~ The Mother Dance by Harriet Lerner

That quote really inspired me to be present to what I am doing, thinking of what is next, but giving my all and know that my faithfulness in doing little things will become faithfulness in big things. And the time to do both will appear.

More than that, I thought it was a very admonishing quote – guilt is our escape and excuse for not doing something about all those things we frequently complain about. I have to totally raise my hand to that one. I can whine with the best of them, but perhaps I’ve been given the sight of what is wrong with something because I’m called to do something about that issue within myself, community, church, nation or world. I’m all about initiating action these days. Perhaps that guilt can be the result of not being the catalyst for something great that you and only you are meant to do.

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Just today, I’ve both told my son and seen one of his friends and wished I could tell her that they were each acting like a baby. Here’s what was going down:

Conflict. What else. In my son’s case, he was attempting to solve a dispute over a toy by crying and yelling. His little friend was attempting to solve the problem of her shoe falling over the fence into the neighbour’s yard by crying and bewailing how her mother was going to “kill” her.

Both incidents were very loud and obvious wake-up calls to me. One was failing to use words to address the issue at hand and describe his feelings – what I’m learning are called I-Statements. The other was emotionally manipulating others around her in order to solve the problem for her.

Neither were thinking clearly or calming, nor finding a solution to the problem. And I was amazed at how I could see through to the heart of these little ones and see clearly what they needed to do, yet so often fail when I’m acting like a baby myself. For the escapes they chose – emotional reaction or manipulating others – are escapes we continue and cling to. Neither really help a problem. Such strange places clarity comes from!

“It’s our job to calm down as best we can…
Our kids are the major benefactors of the work we do on our own selves.”

~ The Mother Dance“The Mother Dance by Harriet Lerner

ps. I just added like all of Ms. Lerner’s other books to my to-read list on Goodreads. Yeap, she’s really good.

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Today I…

• held the hand of a dying woman. And fell to pieces afterward in the linen closet.
• went from one side of town to the other in the fast lane and realized yet again that I like citylife.
• had a direct conversation with a co-worker about something bugging me and made a friend.
• sat with friends to talk instead of rushing.
• came home to the unexpected and enjoyed it.

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