Do I want to tidy the house because I really want to or because I think its the right thing to do?

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Don’t ask me. I don’t know. I mean I do know, but if I tell, I’ll lose you.

I want to tell, to talk, to chat, to consider – thoughtfully – other ideas. But backed into a corner, I am.

I have not spoken about the election or my opinions regarding in because in the last week, I’ve learned that my friends, my dear friends, believe one thing and I another. And at the moment there is no bridge between us. From their vantage, a thunderstorm pours down over my head and demons come ’round the nearest trees ready to drag me off to hell. From mine, my Father has never seemed closer and freedom is in my hands. No more chains, no more shoulds, no certainties either, but where that seems beautiful to me, I know that others think of me as lost. Never ever – ever! – did I imagine feeling so alike and yet so different. I suppose I should come out and say it… so Catholic and yet so not.

I’m mourning. It would seem that I am undergoing one final metamorphosis.

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Just so much stress and stuff. I think I’ve got things straight, you know, life in the order that it’s supposed to be and then I realize that I didn’t fill out the income tax forms at work properly and if I don’t get my head wrapped around things and then said things figured out asap, I’ll owe money at the end of the year. Sooooo not cool.

It’s why my twitter status currently says “I feel like I’m living from emergency to emergency. Can I have some boring please?”

Mostly it’s endemic of moving too much and hopping countries and learning the lay of the land and life where you end up. We are getting there we really are. I’ll catch up eventually!

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Once upon a time, I wore really ugly clothes. I’m not really sure why.

Part of me thought that dressing like Caroline Ingalls at the end of the 20 century was the holy thing to do. Part of me appreciated that someone, a particular someone, had given me a bunch of the clothes. Part of me didn’t have much money, time or place to shop for other clothes. And part of me wasn’t into to thinking for herself. But in the end, they were still ugly.

Fast forward to this past weekend. Some girl friends got together to do a clothing swap. Because all women have clothes they only wear part-time or once thought were perfect when the reality is that they don’t quite fit. Our solution – trade it!

And yet its all fun and games until someone gives you back the ugly thing you passed on to them years ago. A maternity dress made of a deep burgundy brown linen that flows just beautifully. How unfortunate that the cut of the dress resembles more a tent than anything else. Of course, no one wanted it – even those who needed it – and so it was almost off to the Value Village donation pile when I had an epiphany.

That fabric would make a beautiful neck scarf!
I’ll make one for her and one for me.

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After a four month hiatus, I am currently downloading the patch for World of Warcraft. My giddy anxiousness really cannot be described. I didn’t think I’d feel this way again.

When we de-activated our accounts – hubby and I – it was definitely for a nice long break. But after a month of being without the game, the temporary leave really felt more and more permanent. So much so that one day, in a fit of superiority to be sure, I tore out and threw away half a notebook of hand-written notes, information about my character, gear, professions, obsessions lovingly gleaned from web sources.

During that time, I didn’t think about the game or miss my friends or wonder if someone was keeping the boar population under control in my absence. I didn’t care about the guild or killing the next boss or whether I’d ever see Northrend. And eventually not missing it became a non-issue. Cold turkey quitting seemed to have worked because it was like I had never played. Almost.

So the ultimate question is: what drew me back? Wanting to be myself in a social environment where people were like me.

I’ve been delving deeper into my work environments – getting to know the girlz, having lunch or coffee after hours – and while I think there are potential friendships on the horizon, no one has appeared that talks my language. And my language is complicated – christian housewife turned university student and health-care worker turned MMORPG fanatic with a side salad of a seriously techie husband. I like me, but so far in this big city, I haven’t bumped heads with other women who are into these things. Conversations about makeup and fashion only entertain me so long.

Download almost done now. Come and see me on Sentinels server. I’ll be re-knitting some old friendships, learning how Wild Growth works in combat, LOVING that I can resurrect dead players any ol’ time I please and cutting my character’s hair for the very first time.

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