I meant to write this post over a month ago at the end of my very first day of nursing “real” people. I have loved everyday, every minute, but that first was altogether fresh. I leapt to the call and am almost sure that if I had looked in the mirror during those six hours, I’d have been able to see the white sparkles of excitement there.

We were partnered up with a patient. Imagine that if you can, in these days of nursing shortages. Two nurses to a patient on a shift! But there we were and by a weird and totally unplanned sequence of events, I ended up with the bed-making responsibilities and my partner got to do the AM care. (that’s nurse speak for bed bath and teeth brushing) It really did seem the lesser of the jobs and I was bummed.

But later, after assigned duties were complete and all of white coated “babies” were shuffling about in the hall in the way but not yet of much use, one of the staff called for help – this is that leaping previously mentioned – and I went right away. And so it was that I found myself holding a patient on her side so that the nurse’s aide could bathe her. You were probably waiting for something grosser, eh? Sorry to disappoint. I’m sure if you hang around long enough…

Why was positioning a dear unconscious patient so important? I don’t know. I just know that it was. I was honored to be allowed to touch her. I was humbled to be in that uniform. I took a look… a real look… around me and was amazed to find myself in a hospital at a bedside, caring for that little soul. I was inside one of those million episodes of ER that I’ve watched over the years. But it was real, here and now. Wow. Do you ever have those moments of revelation? The sudden clarity – awakening although you are already awake. I knew it is what I am meant to do.

The ensuing weeks has mellowed me out a little but not changed the feeling. I’m not quite so flooded by gushing emotion anymore because I’m too busy convincing my body to do what I know my brain knows. Only my body doesn’t want to do it because it’s on strike, locked down in fear of judgment and failure, happy in its anxiety fits and not wanting to pry and be obtrusive to the patient. But that’s exactly what my job is! /sigh

So, the strategy is to act confident, say what I mean, do what I say, think about the patient’s wellbeing first, be PRO-active and keep walking over each and every fear with big black boots. I’m so scared one instant and then I walk into a room and I have to be the nurse. Hopefully the transition will be more than skin deep one day. Soon.

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