Admission of Anger
With the help of the book Silent Grief and a very brief almost half of a conversation with my brother, I’ve come to a conclusion. For me, it is alarming. I hesitant to publish it. That would be akin to saying it out loud, thus giving it life and rooting it to the truth. But it has been yearning to be out, so who am I to keep it locked up?
Up until now, I haven’t felt angry with my mother for killing herself. I have felt angry with everyone else. Especially those who mistreated her and those who neglected her. And when the family got in the way, blaming me, telling me that I didn’t love her, had abandoned her… well, anger at her wasn’t even possible when I’m holding onto the one thread of truth that only my husband reinforced. I loved my mother a great deal.
So, I had an easy target. I still do. I am very angry at them.
But I am angry at Mom. It just doesn’t seem right. Even though I know it. She was divorced against her will, schizophrenic and hiding it and in major depression. Isn’t pity the first emotion that wells up in you to hear all that?
And yet it is there. I love her. But she did make choices, certain choices at times of nexus when I wish she’d made others. This phenomenon is why the grief of suicide is so unique.
Robyn
cecilia
Kalanna
Grief is such an odd thing. One’s mind naturally tries to find answers, and is quick to place blame. For those refuse to accept that your mother had schizophrenia, it must be so much more difficult for their closed minds to reason through. Their stubborn ignorance and refusal to simply listen is nothing short of sin, plain and simple.
Diseases of the mind are so hard to comprehend and understand, particularly when the person is otherwise intelligent. But in the end, the only thing to blame is the schizophrenia.
It leads to the eternal and inevitable question: why does God allow these things? Cancer? Schizophrenia? Pain and suffering? But I think what I find hardest is that, while you can write-off cancer and such as physical, earthly afflictions — schizophrenia and diseases which affect the mind seem, on some level, entirely different. If our thoughts are our soul, and a physical disease can warp our thoughts… it makes it seem like our soul is only as strong as our physical body, doesn’t it.