Last semester, my instructors in the nursing program gave us what I thought – at the time – as a make-work project. With all of the reading, notes, studying and time in the lab honing our skills, the addition of a lesson on communication seemed like the glass that would bring down the entire teetering tower. And believe me, we were teetering. The lesson that was so all-important to be tossed onto the pile was the importance of listening.

“Listening is a forgotten skill, one that we neglect in our eagerness to think about our own experience.”

Recently, in my quest for peace in the aftermath of my mom’s suicide, I picked up this book at the public library — Silent Grief: Living in the Wake of Suicide. The authors dedicated most of a chapter to the steps of listening for friends and family members who would be the one to listen to a survivor’s grief.

“Take the opportunity to practice listening in everyday situations… you will find that your everyday exchanges are deeper and more connected.”

Only after reading through it did I get the full picture of what the profs were trying to tell us. Their intentions were golden, but unfortunately guided by poor presentation, not the best choice of words, lack of guidance through the activity and an incomplete infusion of empathy. This book does a much better job of explaining what and how much real good that you can do as an active listener. At work, I interact with the public at every minute and with a particular segment of the population – the elderly – that are so in need of true human contact.

I found these pointers to be an immense resource in my professional role and deeply moving for this time in my private life. Such is my motivation for sharing. I shall attempt to pass them on with as little comment as is necessary to paraphrase them, being that I no longer have book in my hands, to avoid prejudice and allow God to be with you.

One second… Hot chocolate break!

Ready? By the way, I list these as steps but there is definitely not any sort of order to them.

Step 1 – Listening is active, active, active. You are not simply sitting and staring at someone while they aimlessly babble and you plan your next shopping trip.

Step 2 – Say it back to them. This is going to sound lame to your own ears, but say back to them what they are saying to you. Because it proves you are listening. Because if you haven’t gotten the right impression from what they are saying, it gives a chance for correction. Because it says to your friend that you are there for them to talk and they can go on talking on what you have repeated or move on. And because it helps move the discussion to the next level of understanding which aids healing.

{I have a star by that one in my journal. Must be the most important. ;}

Step 3 – Say so if you don’t understand what they are telling you.

Step 4 – Say what you are feeling as you listen. Not interjecting your own story or how you would feel in her shoes, but how you are feeling at the moment.

Step 5 – Say what is going on between you and your friend, about your role as a listener including the possible limitations of what help you can give.

Step 6 – Look for a shift in meaning among the words. Of course, you are not looking for thanks. And your friend is not looking for agreement. But when listening works, a person can be guided through gears, downshifting ever so slowly, and may – mind that I say *may* – come to a new way of looking at his or her situation, a new way to cope with loss, a new reason to go on, a peace. Your friend will likely express that verbally and that is a very good thing.

Step 7 – Be patient and willing to listen a lot. Healing is a slow process.

Essentially, it boils down to helping someone to focus, clarify and understand his or her own experience. This is where healing begins…….

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