“The key to your happiness is to own your slippers, own who you are, own how you look, own your family, own the talents you have, and own the ones you don’t. If you keep saying your slippers aren’t yours, then you’ll die searching, you’ll die bitter, always feeling you were promised more. Not only our actions, but also our omissions, become our destiny.”

I always thought it was easy to forgive, would have said that I was a forgiving person. Had I been bold enough to admit it, I would have confessed to looking down on those who had a hard time letting go of grudges. You can hear the “until” coming, right?

What was done to me was truly unthinkable. And yet the details aren’t important for this discussion. It is sufficient to say that I was betrayed and hurt beyond what I thought was possible. The impossible became incarnate for me. But that’s not for today or a general audience. The point is that forgiveness became an issue and a big problem for me. I’m wondering if it is for you. Can you, should you, forgive over something so huge? Does the nature or importance of forgiveness change with the size of the sin and its impact?

I’ve taught my kids to respond with “I forgive you” when someone apologizes to them. “It’s ok” is not acceptable because it fails to acknowledge that the person has acted or spoken poorly which demeans the victim’s feelings nor does it offer the perpetrator the chance to experience  humility and the reception of authentic love. I feel very strongly about this and remind myself and them constantly.

And yet immediately following the incident, my adamant answer was a 180 from that principle. No, I would not forgive. And not only that, I would try out words. Words I’d never used before. Tasting them, these horrible hateful concoctions of unspeakable meanness felt powerful. I felt strong, for a moment. And when the fear and anxiety and sadness crept up too close that I might begin to feel them, I would repeat these words, lines, judgments and my power would return. Perhaps the scariest part was that when I searched my heart, I meant them.

Suddenly I was a very different person. I was proud of myself for having taken a stand and for the enthusiasm my heart felt toward it. Drawing a line in the sand that others were not allowed across made me rethink what is and is not possible in my life. I thought anger and hate were the key ingredients.

From personal experience, the effects of holding on to anger and hate are these:

1. Emotional instability especially outbursts of tears at Hallmark commercials and comparable ilk

2. Anger in the wrong places at the wrong people

3. Stunted relationships due to mistrust with family and friends you continue to care about

4. Weariness and eventual collapse from the physical strain

5. A constant overarching feeling of being stuck in that incident that hurt so terribly, being a repeating record player of sorrow

It’s not pretty.

For the sake of my family, kids and mostly myself, I had to re-examine forgiveness. It took, however, professional help.

Is forgiveness letting go of the anger or hurt feelings? Can it all be in the head, a place with more sense and less to lose than our heart? Will carrying the belief in what is right eventually salve over the inflamed tissue and make it ready to love again?

I had so many questions. She listened and provided reading materials, a very good, concise in 9 steps how and why forgiveness is the healthier choice.

Oddly enough – but probably not a coincidence – I was reading Cutting for Stone at the time, a book about families, wounds and forgiveness, and found the quote above to be a huge breakthrough. My omission was withholding forgiveness.

I also dove into Marianne Williamson’s A Woman’s Worth to have a swim around and rekindle my passion for life and femininity. She repeats herself frequently and is more poignant at the beginning than the end and has some pie in the sky notions, but  the overall feel-good quality she preaches was a balm to my wounds. Funny how negativity goes straight to the heart, but affirmation takes substantially longer and requires more repetition.

In the end, I feel like I’ve found the meaning of freedom. I am getting happier with myself as myself every day. I know now that personal power is something entirely different than anger. I know that I can defend my boundaries simply for the sake of myself. Forgiveness is not necessarily about re-establishing relationships and letting people continue to hurt you. I can forgive but stay on my side of the line. Mostly, that pain is not worth holding back all the miracles that await me today and for as long as I live.

Maybe you have that cold hard rock in your heart like I did. I understand. I hope my little story helps you. Just know that it’s a process, but you deserve better. Much much better.

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