i found me. surprisingly i was there all along. but the transition from your stool to my own took longer than i thought. most days i never thought to escape. honestly not even sure if i wished it.

remember how you used to sit me down in the bathroom for hours to set my hair. especially the night before school pictures. you were so careful with the hot rollers. every single strand was in place before you’d consent to securing it. every section meticulously brushed. i’d preen when you were done. somehow only you could make me feel that beautiful.

the stool became a throne when we bought grandmas house. made of metal but painted creamy offwhite, i sat ensconced in style. certainly not yours though. you would never have purchased such a thing, all curled armrests and decorative scrollwork. once meant for a pretty lady to sit before a vanity mirror, i sat before you.

the throne was my power and shame. my reign upon it rather embarrassing. it kept me your little girl who didn’t like walking barefoot in long grass and who prissed her curls for the camera too long. where hairdressers invented frankenstein versions of myself to look at, you at least found something of the emerging me. so there was reason to endure.

recreating that moment over the years without you has been painful. always torn between some notion of beauty and some inkling of myself. your ghost ever at my shoulder. did I feel beautiful? sometimes. mostly ridiculous.

many years later i sat before different hands. i’ll always wonder what made that day different. which stars were in the sky, what made me call for that appointment, why i got that girl. the time had come. i watched her and the horrific invention in the mirror cracked and fell away.

a whole person unearthed, chiseled out from a brush and a blow dryer, so long undiscovered at your hands or mine.

and what she found came home with me. she did not hide. i could bring her forward any time i choose. the inner lining of the cloak i’d long worn.

Share this post!

You may also be interested in these posts:

1. eat pray love, final thoughts Being that I just spent about ten minutes rummaging through...
2. Why I love Facebook It recently occurred to me that something I personally like...