I hesitate to say, to explain, to mourn. My mother believed so much. You may not feel the betrayal that cuts my heart in two. You may never have been on the side of faith as I have. I don’t judge you. I have crossed the once unfathomable ocean and live amongst you now. Looking upon the church and her trinkets as foreign, wondering how I ever dwelt there.

Yesterday I found out that the priest who was the cornerstone of the Medjugorje Marian apparitions has been defrocked by the Pope. That means he will no longer be a priest. The reasons seem vast. Amongst them, at some point he got a nun pregnant but worst of all created the whole apparition phenomenon with those six children out of thin air. It’s all a farce. The main stream news is carrying it. The Catholic news is reporting it.

For those of you who don’t know, Medjugorje is THE modern place of pilgrimmage. Because Mary, mother of Jesus, was said to appear there to six children. With prophecies and messages and calls to pray the Rosary beads. Countless people I know have personally traveled there at great expense to be part of the miracle, to receive grace, to be a good Catholic. And it’s all a farce.

You can be a Catholic without believing all the bells and whistles. Few will tell you that. But spend enough time in a pew, with the people, you will quickly discover that it is the people who carry and push and desperately want to believe all the extras so very badly. And herd mentality, peer pressure, whatever you want to call it takes over.

My mother was one of those people. She spent the greater part of her last days believing God was asking her to be the very opposite of the person he had made her. I know what believing in this farce did to her. I know how it made her even sicker than she already was. I know how the church perpetuates it. It is fine to believe as long as it fills the pews. And yet now when the man responsible is found to be a charlatan, he is defrocked IN SECRET.

People, I am so sick, so weary, so disenfranchised, so betrayed. I am one of the faithful. I was one of the faithful. Now lost.

Don’t ask me. I don’t know. I mean I do know, but if I tell, I’ll lose you.

I want to tell, to talk, to chat, to consider – thoughtfully – other ideas. But backed into a corner, I am.

I have not spoken about the election or my opinions regarding in because in the last week, I’ve learned that my friends, my dear friends, believe one thing and I another. And at the moment there is no bridge between us. From their vantage, a thunderstorm pours down over my head and demons come ’round the nearest trees ready to drag me off to hell. From mine, my Father has never seemed closer and freedom is in my hands. No more chains, no more shoulds, no certainties either, but where that seems beautiful to me, I know that others think of me as lost. Never ever – ever! – did I imagine feeling so alike and yet so different. I suppose I should come out and say it… so Catholic and yet so not.

I’m mourning. It would seem that I am undergoing one final metamorphosis.

Rarely do I go political when I blog. And this might not necessarily be “political,” but it’s certainly thought provoking.

The following is an excerpt from an interview in this week’s MacLean’s magazine – the Canadian equivalent of Time magazine – with Margaret Atwood surrounding the issues she tackles in her new book, Payback: Debt and the Shadow Side of Wealth.

ps. I’ve never read a single solitary volume of Margaret’s, but she is venerated here as one of the great Canadian writers. Its the angle she presents this little stroke from that intrigues me so much.

Q: And you find that we not only have a debt to the environment, to the earth,

but that it’s coming due rather quickly.

A: It’s coming due. It was very interesting to me that when Louisiana was destroyed in that flood the fundamentalists were very quick to say, it’s the punishment of God on a sinful city. Now that the oil industry has been so hard hit in Galveston, are they up on their pulpits saying, God is punishing the oil industry? No, no, no! The interesting thing about the religious component, for me, is that Jesus hardly mentions sex at all. He’s pretty interested in the poor, he’s pretty interested in selling your worldly goods and storing up riches in heaven. However, religious fundamentalists have made it all about sex, and that’s like saying, ” Look at the sex and we’re just not going to talk about what you may be doing in a financial way that is sinful.”

Today was supposed to be quiet. Wash some laundry. Skim read some light books I grabbed at the library last night…

Then mid-morning I find out via a facebook friend that today representatives from Madonna House have *returned* the Order of Canada medal given to Catherine Doherty in 1976 in symbolic protest over the same award being given to abortionist Dr. Henry Morgentaler.

Holy crap! This is HUGE!!!

Madonna House has posted an official press release and a letter to the Governor General on their site.

CTV has a short video clip interview with Susanna Stubbs, the Director General of Women from Madonna House, and CBC featured the story on the news at noon but I’ve yet to see that clip online. Oh, here’s two more worthy reads.

For those of you who may not know – not pointing fingers at Americans, hehe – the Order of Canada is the highest honor given to Canadians. According to wiki, it is awarded for “the highest degree of merit to Canada and humanity, an outstanding level of talent and service to Canadians, or an exceptional contribution to Canada or Canadians.” I know of nothing akin to it in the U.S.

Last week on Canada Day, it was awarded to the doctor responsible for making abortion legal in Canada.

The uproar has been great. There are at least 4 Facebook groups asking that the award be revoked and a petition to the same purpose started by Campaign Life Coalition, a notable pro-life advocacy group in Ontario. The same group is planning a public protest in Ottawa tomorrow at noon. One Catholic priest out in British Columbia has supposedly mailed back his award, but the media quickly found the dirt on him which makes his gesture very questionable in the public eye. The Canadian bishops have spoken out too.

But Madonna House seems to be the first to put their money where their mouth is and give the award back. The community took a vote on this measure, and its members were unanimously in favor of the move.

I can’t say that I’m not saddened. I have not been quiet about my love for Madonna House over the years. There is something to be said about Christian work that is so far-reaching as to be noticed and awarded by a secular entity. To me, it is the best Christian work that can be done. Because Jesus didn’t hide among his own, supported and comfortable. He went out, got noticed and we all know how that ended.

Catherine didn’t hide either. Even when she did try to hide and retire in Combermere with her second husband, Eddie Doherty, God had a whole other thing in mind. That thing is the apostolate of Madonna House today. And Catherine deserves her award. I suppose, even after the medal is gone, the honor remains.

What a sacrifice. To willingly hand over the recognition of service and their foundress, earned very literally by the sweat of their brows and work of their hands. I have a strong sense to go do some ironing.

In 1976 Catherine received the Order of Canada for, “a lifetime of devoted services to the underprivileged of many nationalities, both in Canada and abroad.” For her it was her greatest decoration, surpassing the Medal of St. George she once received from the Czar. The Order of Canada was an immeasurable gift to her.
It meant: “Canada accepted me.”